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Saturday, December 30th, 2006
8:24 pm - i'm baack
back but only to post poetry and my own personnal writings. yay.

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Sunday, December 25th, 2005
10:23 am - make merry
merry christmas and happy hannukkah. word. it doesn't feel like the holiday season but i guess the older i get the more over it i become. although, i love love christmas lights forever and ever.
i finally got a good nights sleep thanks to ambien. well it is the second good night sleep, but the first one didn't count...i used marijuana and a percocet to help me fall asleep. but the ambien, oh it is a miracle! i had the most deepest, undisturbed, happy dream, sleep that i haven't felt in a long long time. right now i feel just so energized! i certainly hope i can eventually adapt to this sleeping pattern without the drugs. woohoo. I just laugh now as I look at my dresser and see all the pills i have to take...stupid eating disorder. but, i've decided starting tomorrow i am going on a diet...counting calories. i need to lose 10 pounds and i think that is a realistic goal. and i promise that one technique i won't be using is purging. i cannot start 2006 off by being a prisoner to this ridiculous disorder.

i am ready i am i ready i am ready i am...fine...

current mood: hopeful

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Wednesday, December 21st, 2005
3:54 pm - d.a.r.e
the doctor just gave me ANOTHER drug to take.
sometimes i wonder what it is to be like drug-free. how wonderful it would be not to worry about missing my morning meds and the meds for this and my meds for that. seriously,i like to refer to my doctor as my drug dealer because every time i leave her office i come home with more pills.

once upon a time i didn't need pills to get me through the day. what went wrong?? and will i ever live my life drug-free again? can i do that?

i am jealous. i cant help it.

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Sunday, December 18th, 2005
12:05 pm - it's over and i'm okay
last night was uber fun. it was good to see all my favorite high school friends. what wasn't fun was seeing J with his new girlfriend...making out. Watching his band played it was like "whoa...you and him will never be together...ever...again." I don't know why that bothers me. I am so head over heals for R and he's the one I want to be with. I just suppose that when you've been intimate with someone it is hard to just let go of what was once was. Obviously, it is easy for him as he makes out with his girlfriend on stage...and I realize that being in the same room with him is bad news bears. Exes can never be friends no matter what, and it is time to move on from the past. Don't ask me how I know the guitarist from that band...i won't admit that we've slept together numerous times. I'll say, an old friend. An old friend with a very small penis, HAHAHA. kidding,that was terrible and I apologize. Size doesn't matter.

I think my jealousy gets the best of me sometimes. But, I just need to move on. move on. move on.
I can do it too. I know I can. I think I can. Fuck, I can!

now if only i had that mentality with my ed everything would be good.

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Saturday, December 17th, 2005
4:50 pm - brand new
so ive decided to make this an outlet and not really care who sees. i did delete a bunch of friends if not all of them. i just rather have someone stumble upon this journal or have no one read it at all. i have too many problems in my life that i just don't want to bother people with. i'm sure no one cares about my stupid eating disorder that has hurt me in more than physically, but emotionally. i'm also pretty sure no one wants to know that happy smiling me suffers from depression. suprise! my life should seriously be a lifetime movie. i've dealt with an ed, drinking and driving, drinking in general, a so-called rape (i am not sure if it counts cuz i said yes but then again i was wasted beyond recognition.) but there are good things in my life. i have the greatest friends in the world. i am a talented figure skater on some days, haha. i love my school and i am graduating this spring and then going off to get a real job...hopefully coaching skating. i'm a good musician as well and really want to play in a band or just jam for fun. i'm funny too. and i love making my rommate, dina, laugh. see...everyone has good qualities, but people like to focus on the negative.

and it will seem like all i do in this journal is focus on that, but, this is my outlet. when something great happens i am sure i will share it with you just as much as i will share the bad stuff. that's just the way it will be.

shall i start with the bad? shall i talk about how i'm gonna see my ex tonight with his new girlfriend and it just makes me soooooo mad and jealous (not because i want him back) but because i want a real relationship. i have no idea what you would call what me and the boy have. that seems to be my life story.

god, i wish i wasnt such a whore. i wish that life was a hell of a lot easier. and maybe once school is done and i am officially settled somewhere...maybe then i can get what i need.

till then...tata...must get ready to get crazy with the only friend that keeps me sane, haha. and please don't let jealousy get the best of me!!!!

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Tuesday, December 13th, 2005
12:41 am - guess what
i'm only jealous because his relationship is like uber real.
i thought i was still into him...but i reallllllllllllllllllllly love the boy i have and wouldn't change it for the world. even if i think he may be falling out of love with me....i'll let you know when we have "the talk" which is more or less me saying "let's be together without confusion." Relationships are hard but that's alright with me.

isn't it wierd how feelings don't change as quickly as life does?

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Monday, December 5th, 2005
12:23 am - merry christmas, fuckers.
i wish it would snow a million inches and I could build a giant snowman and make snow angels and go sledding down a hill and roll around in the white powder and just forget about everything. i want to be a little kid again when the world was an exciting and terrifying place. where the only bad things lived in my imagination and could be cured by the simple words "oh that isn't real."
nothing was complicated. nothing was difficult. everything was so freeing. i had the future ahead of me with all the possibilities...and i want to be little i never learn about the things i know now and never do the harm to myself like i do. I've gone from bruising my outsides from playing in the playground to ripping my insides...that just isn't right.

when i was little my hopes were a lot bigger.

are you there god, it's me carolyn.

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Sunday, November 20th, 2005
11:50 pm - it never gets easier
i fall in love with heartbreakers.

i've given up and letting it win.
sorry everyone.

if only i didn't care so much...

maybe after graduation i'll go to philly instead of europe...(but it didn't work for erin or shannon)
okay i'll just go to europe...hopefully I make it there.

-so excited for long island lovin'-

current mood: cheerful

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Monday, November 7th, 2005
1:37 am - thriller
i dont know why i am writing in this. i pretty much abondened it. but for some strange reason i've been having the urge to just write in it. i must be going crazy. a lots happened since i last wrote. i mean it too. my life has been one big roller coaster ride. my illness seemed to get better then it got worse and now it is in the middle. and if i don't fight this...and get over it...i'm going to die. like it isn't a maybe, but a definite thing. my doctor even said so. and the thing is, like that doesn't really bother me. and no i am not suicidal or want to die...just...it's an option to end this crazy mess. the idea of eternity of never worrying again, well it doesn't seem so bad. geez i sound crazy. but if you only knew what it was like living each day with this, and it constantly being so persistan, and every decision i make seems to come back down to that focal point...well it is all too exhausting and probably the reason i sleep so much.

i'll keep fighting though. there are many things to live for. europe, boston, skating, coaching, friends, family, lovers, music, and so on and so on.

yea, i got offered a job in boston to coach skating after i graduate. and my decision to go is all based on a stupid guy if he wants me to stay or not. i shouldn't do that. i should live for me, and do what i want. but i am weak if you haven't figured that one out. i am weak an extremely jealous individual. and i want to control everything, and it kills me that I can't control the uncontroble. and i think that's why i am in this rut with my disease and the way i am. and i need to fix that. i need to know that i am not god, and i cannot control people or circumstances...and need to really understand the meaning of free. i need to be free.

sometimes i wish i could just turn my mind off...maybe be a zombie and only worrying about eating peoples' brains...oh man, if only i was a zombie.

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Saturday, July 30th, 2005
8:31 am - may angels lead you in
it's a week i won't forget.
rest in peace christina poggioli.
17 is just way too young...way too young.

no more camp for me.
i'm getting healthy instead.
it's okay to cry. it's okay.

i love my friends.
i am saving up for a chihuaha. what should i name him?

like i said, it's a week i won't forget.

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Saturday, July 16th, 2005
8:53 pm - ear muffs
summer is great minus might having a torn vocal chord, work sucking, and being pretty poor.
but that is just small stuff...the big stuff is what really matters...it's what i'll remember 10, 20, 30 years from now.

if i could scream and shout about how happy i am right now i would...but i can't...gotta rest my voice.

i've found my soulmate
i'm over the other one

carolyn out.

current mood: cheerful

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Sunday, June 5th, 2005
5:24 pm - the way ive been feeling lately
...has caused me to completely lose my appetite.
I don't eat anymore...is this bad?

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Saturday, May 28th, 2005
7:16 pm - with your arms outstretched to me

i love jenny lewis.
i love rilo kiley.
what a way to kick off summer...

current mood: cheerful

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Wednesday, May 18th, 2005
9:17 pm - i hate live journal with a firey passion
Today was the last day of classes. Two more finals and then I am home for the summer. Two more finals and I'll officially be a senior and that makes me incredibly sad. I really wish I had a full four years at this school. UD was like the best thing to ever happen to me. I'm not gonna think about next year. No. no. no. Tomorrow is Club Sport Olympics and the UD FIGURE SKATING BAR CRAWL! "Down with the beers there are no more bars to conquer!" Tomorrow should be a really super fun fun day. This friday is a picnic for all us skate guards/rink slaves...kinda excited for that too. Everything is crashing down so quickly now. But I guess it's okay. I'm really sad about my friends who are graduating, especially since this year I've grown much closer to them. I don't know what I'll do without their guidance and fun parties next year. Yay, no more school. I just hope summer is good. I mean, I know it'll be good because the first weekend home I am see my love, Pam, and my other love, RILO KILEY, in the place I love the most, NYC! aw, yaaaah booooy!

current mood: calm

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Monday, May 9th, 2005
11:40 pm - this is my sundown
Summer needs to get here asap. Honestly, sometimes it is just easier to run away from a situation then to hang around and wait it out. I can't get rid of a certain boy unless I remove myself from the situation. I tried to detox him. I tried to go cold turkey...but none of that works. Why does something that feels so good have to be so incredibly wrong? He is my addiction, and nothing good comes from a drug...ever...I even got my roommate pissed off at me. EEP! That is why summer needs to be here asap.
Normally I'd hang around till the very end of school, but not this time. I need to just get away from the situations I tend to find myself in.
Plus, summer is going to be glorious...bars, parties, RILO KILEY, an awesome job(s), and Long Islandness boredom. I need my friends, my backbones, to support me and remind me that I am an awesome person.

I'll miss Delaware like whoa. But for the first time I am actually looking foward to the changes it'll bring next year...maybe I'll be stronger and won't cripple down when he comes near.

current mood: anxious

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Wednesday, April 27th, 2005
2:36 pm - It all started with the free nachos...
Today has been SUPERB.
I have a skating coaching job at the greatest rink ever, SUPERIOR! Fuck you rinx! BURN!
Today in skating I was landing my doubles like WHOA!
I have like minimal school work left, and summer is so so so so close. I can't wait to be back on Long Island to see my friends, get drunk with Erin, and have a royal rumble at starbucks. Word.

Life is good. I swear this time.

Goodbye stupid boy, goodbye insane incestuous girl!, goodbye bad grades, goodbye credit card, goodbye!!!!

current mood: cheerful

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Tuesday, April 19th, 2005
1:31 am - crippled with desire
i'm in love. or whatever.
again. i know.
but this time it's different.

it hurts more than usual.
i think because it is so attainable...and yet so far.

why the same old shit? especially when everything else is going so well.

anyone care to help?

at least i'm over it.

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Wednesday, April 6th, 2005
1:01 pm - the absence of god will bring you comfort
Hi, I am jealous. And I don't even know of what.
They say it's good to give. But, this isn't charity and I feel lowsy.
Odd how I long to be home with my friends from Long Island. Strange that I also want to be with you. Disappointed because I want to be with you.

Nationals tomorrow. So excited. Not only is it Nationals, not only do I get to spend 4 days with my most favorite people ever, but I GET TO SEE PAM!!!!!! (I got butterflies just thinking about it).

THEN...at the end of April I most likely will be taking a road trip to BINGHAMTON to see DANIELLE!!!! and Less Than Jake!

AND FINALLY...at the end of May I am seeing RILO KILEY!!!! AAAAHHHH!!!! I cannot even wait! Seriously, I could die after seeing them and life would have been fufilled for me.

god, i'm so fucking emo.

current mood: calm

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Wednesday, March 23rd, 2005
5:42 pm - good that won't come out of me
I gave up drinking soda and it's by far the hardest thing i've ever done. Never realized how addicting diet coke was until I stopped drinking it.

I put down my deposit for London. I am so excited to leave this country.

Friday I am home for spring break. I hope to see two certain guys and a (very) few certain girls. Everyone else in Smithtown can just fade away.

I finally know what I want to do with my life. And it either involves Boston or NYC.

I just realized that I am never ever ever going to quit ice skating.

SUSHI! I am eating that very very very soon.

I can't win them all...but somehow I managed to do it. I managed to accomplish what many girls like me strive to be like.

I'm a whore...but not as big of a whore as Sasha Cohen...haha.

Bright Eyes, Rilo Kiley, and Rise Against somehow became the only music I listen to.

Being 21 is fucking fab-u-lous. And I get to curse because it is appropriate.

Oh, and I love my job here so much. I feel so honored that I get to spend the rest of my life doing something that I love or have the opportunity to get really fun jobs because of what I love to do. Jealous?

damn, i hate this thing.

current mood: full

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Thursday, March 17th, 2005
1:03 am - what in the world?!
fuckin' 21 and still the same old shit.
when do i officialy grow up?

can't wait for spring break.
can't wait for summer.

I don't want to be far away...but I don't think we'll ever get any closer.
Slap me.

...all I want to do is curl up in my bed and watch Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle...with...


current mood: discontent

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